I almost forgot how devastating a week of nothing but studying can be. But ‘thank god’ i had a reality wake up call today..
Today started good, nice weather, me daydreaming about summer holiday and so on. I was a bit anxious because i’m having my last exam of this year (let’s not begin about the re-exams i have to do in the summer holiday bleghhh) and didn’t study everything i was supposed to. But still, nothing dramatic (or so i thought)
Later today I traveled back to my own place (I was at my parent’s) and while i was in the train I suddenly began to feel extremely stressed, sad and insecure. Idk it just was sooo weird. So i tried my best to look as neutral as possile when i felt like i was going to burst out in tears for no good reason at all, expect me feeling a big mess. But when I got into another train, i had to check in at another traincompany (idk how public traveling works in other countries but here in the Netherlands in general students can travel for free during the week or during friday-sunday by using a special student card and because the public trainsystem here is in hands of different firms, i have to check in and out again several times during my 3hour trip). But when i was in the train and the ticket collector was checking my studentcard, it turned out i didn’t check in properly. And then my inside panick attack came out and i began hyperventilating/crying (overpanicking and losing control over my breathing, hooray) So stupid, so embarrasing. Later the ticket collector was visiting me again to see if i felt better and when i left the train he said to make me feel better i guess: You know, tomorrow will be a brand new day. It only made my almost cry again because i was/am so tired and angry because i’m feeling like shit again when everything went so well for almost a month!
But this still isn’t the end of everything, because when I was in the bus to my house afterwards, I discovered I’d left one of my bags still in the train! omg MAJOR panick attack resulting in my begging the busdriver to stop, jumping out of the bus, running to the trainstation on bare feet (i kept losing my shoes) and yelling to a cyclist who was so nice to take me to the station. THANK GOD the train didn’t leave yet so I got my bag out and right then i felt like the shittiest person on earth. The same ticket collector came to me again and i sat down on the ground and began crying like crazy. Like it must have sound like somebody died because omg. So stupid again, but i just had to get all my emotions out, just so much stress from the last intense studyweek and everything. The ticketguy asked me if nothing had happened to me, it must have looked so awful that he probably thought i had just been raped or something x’( I assured him nothing particular happened, but that i just had a rough day and my overtiredness (is this a real word?) was playing up again. He first didn’t trust me to get home by myself haha.
So, here i am, feeling like i’m back at start again.
BUT that’s not really the case (gotta keep believing this), because after my exam tomorrow which i almost can’t fail even I didn’t study everything, I can sleep for days and days because i have a presentation on friday and in the meanwhile i only have to do some preparation for it. HALLELUJAH, can’t wait for it all to be over and feel nothing but my soft sheets and nice dreams