The beginning of my Reality: Dreams

Less stress

Still feeling kinda shitty, but i already did my assignment for tomorrow so that leaves me with ‘only’ 4 scientific articles to read until friday. So that means tonight i can watch as many big bang theory episodes as i want to (downloaded the first 4 seasons yesss) and go to sleep kinda early and hoping that i’ll get better soon. So not much stress anymore about school.

Don’t expect to be all fit tomorrow all of the sudden but i have to drag myself outside to do some groceryshopping + i have to get a new simcard for my ‘new’ mobile so i can finally be accessible again. And restart my social life lol. By thursday i have to feel all better because then i have a obligatory college. At 8.30 am, seriously?


2012 is gonna be my year

One exam down, one to go. Didn’t go too well yesterday but i couldn’t care less actually. While i was cycling back home and thinking about my life (yes, philosophizing while traveling works the best for me ;o ) i realized that even with all the overstudying and not enough sleep i feel GREAT. Tired yes, but even now it’s possible (apparently) to feel very very alive :) Weird, but a good sign!

I can’t wait for my last exam to be over today, then doing friends stuff and get some good sleep. Lately there are all these posts on tumblr saying “January 2012: this is gonna be my year.. October 20120: nevermind.” I’m happily surprised that it’s the other way around for me. There may not be much of 2012 left, but i’m gonna life it to the fullest :3


Actually it kinda sucks that i’m not sure if you were even worth it. Because you will  be your unchanged self after this and there probably won’t even be the slightest agreement between the two of us about the need to cherish the sweet memories. And since i didn’t get the change to do all the stuff i thought a relationship was about, it has been such a waste of my time, energy and feelings. So much stress it has caused, it sucks to realize i could have been so much further right now when i would have been on my own all the time. I could have given all my love to myself instead and rediscovering myself wouldn’t have been necessary then.
UGH. What if to the max. I hoped it cared less about i by now. Don’t even look forward to starting my second college year. And my face is messing up big time, so it seems like everything is against me. It would be nice to feel unbeatable when i return to college, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.
Yep, i’m a star in letting go of things..

Actually it kinda sucks that i’m not sure if you were even worth it. Because you will  be your unchanged self after this and there probably won’t even be the slightest agreement between the two of us about the need to cherish the sweet memories. And since i didn’t get the change to do all the stuff i thought a relationship was about, it has been such a waste of my time, energy and feelings. So much stress it has caused, it sucks to realize i could have been so much further right now when i would have been on my own all the time. I could have given all my love to myself instead and rediscovering myself wouldn’t have been necessary then.

UGH. What if to the max. I hoped it cared less about i by now. Don’t even look forward to starting my second college year. And my face is messing up big time, so it seems like everything is against me. It would be nice to feel unbeatable when i return to college, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen.

Yep, i’m a star in letting go of things..

(Source: jessic-eh)


I feel like I’m moving huge improvements in being satisfied with myself and letting things go. I really believe that things are going to get better and I feel so happy and love drunk for quite a while now.
But feeling alive again after such a long time isn’t really helping me finishing my school project :( Because of my mood I can’t find the concentration to work on it and realizing that it’s a group-project that has to be finished at Monday, is making me stressed out. And still I manage to find new ways to postpone my progress..

I feel like I’m moving huge improvements in being satisfied with myself and letting things go. I really believe that things are going to get better and I feel so happy and love drunk for quite a while now.

But feeling alive again after such a long time isn’t really helping me finishing my school project :( Because of my mood I can’t find the concentration to work on it and realizing that it’s a group-project that has to be finished at Monday, is making me stressed out. And still I manage to find new ways to postpone my progress..


So, why are the funniest people the most depressed?

bserk:

“Humor is a common defense mechanism. Some funny people like to make themselves and others laugh because it keeps them from crying. It distracts people from the real issues and pokes fun at things to minimize the impact. Albeit temporarily.”

This is so true! Was just thinking about it today, what a coincidence to come across this on Tumblr! Lately I’ve noticed that a lot more people were dealing with all kind of shit than I suspected. I don’t think it’s an abnormal situation, people are just good in hiding things and putting on masks.

A friend of mine is risking her health because she’s doing way too much to handle and therefore is extremely stressed some periods - if she keeps going on like this, she will end up in the same situation as me-. Another friend feels depressed because of her medication, two other people I hang out with turned out to be depressed (on a somewhat longer basis) and there is this friend from back home who felt so bad a while ago that she talked about ‘not wanting to be here anymore’ and ‘what’s the use?’…

It’s actually quite strange because I think the people I’ve surrounded myself with are the most happy, funny, adorable and affectionate people I have ever. They are always there to help you out and and I feel so lucky knowing all of them. But maybe if you know what it’s like to feel really really down, you recognize it in other people and tend to help them and be there for them. My old friends from high school are very special to me, and my ‘new’ friends from college are just incredible because many of them have such big hearts. But that could also have to do with my study (International development studies), where interest in global problems and sympathy for the ‘weaker’ is sort of a requisite.

Such a shame that there nowadays still seems to be a taboo on feeling unhappy. I’m not saying that everyone should act completely miserable in public (because after all, eventually things will always get better) , but it’s such a waste of anyone’s energy to always have to pretend.


19 and still having skin problems?!

Damn you, mirrors with ultra bright light which make me see all my pores and imperfections on my face. And damn the mirrors which actually make me look kinda good, only to find out later that they showed everything better than it looks in real life.

Too bad that the stress I’ve been feeling for the last 6 months has its obvious effect on my skin (and that’s it’s forming a chicken-and-egg situation). It has been worse.. but it also has been way better. About 2 years ago my skin was a lot worse because of picking and having all kind of little wounds. The scars from that period are completely vanished now. So why do I keep getting all this scarring now from really little spots and why won’t it fade away, even when I’m using special skin products? It’s summer and I want to be able to get ready with just a little layer of foundation on my skin and not having to worry about it all the time. Every time some parts of my face seem to get better, other areas are showing new problems.

Patience. Time is all it takes. And good care and NO picking. And sun! (although sunlight can also damage your skin, causing permanent scars by ‘burning’ spots into your skin..) Wish it didn’t make me so insecure.